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well it’s been a while since i’ve written in a blog. it’s funny, xanga was my friend and confident for 5 years. sometimes i look at it and scroll through all of the old posts.

i’m sitting here writing this because i’ve told myself that i should write what’s inside my head down more often, since all it does is eat at me when i leave it to simmer in my brain. it’s been a very long 8 or so months. i was able to keep the smile on for a while, maybe a good month. yesterday i broke down. it was one of those moments when i really needed a friend but found myself completely isolated. let down by a person who probably didn’t stop to think twice about it.
it’s so childish. i tell myself this often too. i try hard to be self-sufficient, but the moment something goes wrong everything that i know to be true seems to slip away from me. i have been spending most of my time lying in bed these days, trying to make sense of everything that i’m thinking of, waiting for a telephone call, or maybe just a text message? something? please? my only solace is cigarettes, marijuana, and music. but even with music i’ve been getting terribly frustrated with myself. the naysaying about my guitar-playing is really starting to drag me down. whenever i play violin i can hear myself playing the same notes and phrases over and over, but i can’t seem to progress any farther. it’s official, i’m in a depression. and it’s all because of one stupid boy.
tyler, i know you can never read this, but i wish that you could know how much you break my heart. i have tried for so long and so hard to make our relationship work for you, no matter how it kills me inwardly. a day hasn’t gone by where i haven’t thought of you, even still. you’re my best friend and bandmate; you are my inspiration. you saw something in me when i was playing violin for you; something i thought no one would ever appreciate. you give me the motivation to make music and be strong. to not let anyone walk over me. but at the same time, i feel abused by you all the time. put off to the side. i know i’m imperfect; you know it better than anyone, but you have to know that i would do anything for you, just to be your good friend forever. you can never know how often i lie awake at night thinking about you, wondering if you’re doing well. how often i cry over you. i’m always here waiting for you, but you’re always somewhere else, thinking about the other beautiful women that broke your heart before.
this kind of love hurts too much.. i wish i could somehow convince myself that i don’t need you. i wish i could be good enough.