Personal thoughts on being the owner of an addictive personality.
First things first, currently I am (finally) under the influence, of what does not matter. For the past 3 days of sobriety my heart has felt very heavy and I caught myself beginning to become stuck in my own head. I started to use illegal substances at 16, an age where the body and mind is still maturing. By the time I hit 17 I was using hard drugs regularly. I thought I had an addiction to a specific drug but as I aged I realized I was a trash can. I was a dump for anything and everything that would heighten my dopamine levels and unlock me from the desolate room that was my mind. I especially enjoyed hard drugs and the elation they brought to my everyday life, in any situation whether it be work, school, or social settings. The feeling of being without substances is complex. To go without for days is as if you are living without a limb. The levels of satisfaction you once held in yourself and in your life begin to plunge. Everyday the diligence required to tear yourself out of the waste and re institute daily life takes its toll on your mind. In my personal experience I have become intimidated by daily routine. I often find myself overwhelmed with simple tasks affiliated with my success in life. I’ve realized by heavy personal abuse I have built a wall behind my eyes that has blinded my brain from realizing its potential. Slowly I am pulling it to pieces with anticipation of coming out of this situation a better person. I know, and have learned the negative effects of substance abuse but I would never change the last few years. Along with the lingering adverse side effects, I feel I have gained an insight, a strive, and a self awareness I would not have if I had chosen a different path.
carnage